How a person behaves in a conflict gives you a lot of information about whether or not they are someone safe to be in conflict with.

Relationships are only as strong as the degree to which you can safely navigate conflict together.

These are some guideposts for how I evaluate a person's degree of safety in a conflict.

- Do they take the time to hear me out, or are they too caught up in their own emotions or hyperfixated on their own agenda to let me speak?

- Do they make the emotional space to try to understand my point of view? Do they jump to conclusions about my motivation or intentions? Do they have a sense of openness or curiosity about where I'm coming from?

- Do they show any compassion or empathy for my feelings?

- Do they lash out and attack me? Do they make personal jabs about things that have nothing to do with the situation at hand? Do they belittle me or try to "put me in my place?"

- Do they get super triggered by my emotions?

- Are they willing to accept my apology and move on, or are they determined to make me wrong?

- Conversely, do they over-apologize and berate themselves out of proportion to the situation?

- Are they willing to take any accountability for their role in creating, escalating, or perpetuating the conflict?

- Conversely, do they feel over-responsible and go into a shame spiral?

- Do I walk away from it feeling seen and heard? Has the other person expressed themselves authentically in such a way that allows me to see and hear them? Does the conflict lead to a greater mutual understanding?